How to Deal with Defensiveness

We've all been there, right? You're having what you think is a normal conversation, and suddenly, bam! Your friend, partner, or co-worker gets all defensive. It's like they put up this invisible shield and now you're left standing there, wondering what just happened. But don't worry, lovely – I'm here to help you navigate these tricky waters with grace and understanding. So, let's dive into some super practical tips on dealing with defensiveness.

 

Stay Calm and Keep Your Cool

First things first, babe: breathe. When someone gets defensive, it can feel like an attack, but responding with your own defensiveness will only escalate things. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and keep your voice steady and gentle.

 

Listen More Than You Speak

I know, I know – you're probably bursting with things to say. But here's the thing: defensive people often feel unheard or misunderstood. By really listening to them, you show that you care about their feelings and perspective. Try nodding, maintaining eye contact, and offering little affirmations like, "I understand" or "I hear you."

 

Validate Their Feelings

Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, you can still validate their emotions. Say something like, "I can see why you feel that way" or "It makes sense that you're upset about this." This helps to lower their defenses and opens the door to a more constructive conversation.

 

Ask Gentle Questions

Instead of making statements that might feel accusatory, try asking questions that encourage them to share more. For example, "Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?" or "What do you think would help in this situation?" This shows you're genuinely interested in their point of view.

 

Use "I" Statements

Avoid placing blame by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements. For instance, say "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always...". This keeps the focus on your feelings and reduces the chance of them feeling attacked.

 

Take a Break if Needed

Sometimes, a little time apart can do wonders. If things are getting too heated, suggest taking a short break to cool down. Say something like, "I think we both need a moment to calm down. Can we continue this conversation in 15 minutes?" This gives both of you a chance to collect your thoughts and come back with a clearer mind.

 

Empathy is Your Superpower

Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you were in their position? Showing empathy can diffuse tension and build a stronger connection. Remember, everyone has their own battles and sometimes, defensiveness is just a way of protecting themselves.

​

 

Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the other person just isn't ready to have a productive conversation. It's okay to walk away and give them space. You can always try again later when they're more open to talking.

 

Dealing with defensiveness is all about patience, empathy, and a sprinkle of grace. You're amazing for wanting to handle it with care and understanding.

-Sophie Psychologist